suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.