Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess