*checks Timeline*…
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.