” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
saw this in a dream
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.