Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Tastes like chicken.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked