“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
That lamp looks PISSED.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Proctology is located in A55
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I know this now 😂
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”