It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.