‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
How to wake up a Beagle
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂