me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]