Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
you stereotypes are all alike
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms