Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.