I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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it must be school picture day
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
and now we wait
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after