Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.