This story is comedy gold 😂
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“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Something Saturday.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!