A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
You Might Also Like
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I am HOWLING at this
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson