“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur