“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I have many caverns
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.