I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
You Might Also Like
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.