According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.