Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..