Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.