Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
🤣🤣🤣🤣
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Ok but actually
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho