ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Always the camel, never the toe.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
he was correct
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Is this you?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in