guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Risking my life for fun.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now