If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
😂😂
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.