Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*