I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.