King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Introverted vegans go meetless
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.