First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*