I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.