Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.