So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
mood
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?