My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?