“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
taking June’s advice to heart
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”