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[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?