13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
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Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I didn’t come here to be called names
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.