[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful