Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car