I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to