waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain