medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.