Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.