Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven