I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]