Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
When news reporters do sports stories
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”