GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
You Might Also Like
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button