going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Flowers bee like
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*