My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
one last job
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.