10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.