What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies